GOOCHI
Brands Aren’t Real: You’re Just Emotionally Attached to Squiggly Letters
Let’s start with a hard truth: brands aren’t real. They don’t exist. They’re figments of our collective imagination, like unicorns, Bigfoot, or your high school GPA. You’re out here pledging eternal loyalty to a logo. To a font. You would fistfight a stranger over whether Niké (pronounced "Naik-ee", obviously) is better than Adibas. Think about that.
Your Brain on Branding
According to neuroscientist and marketing expert Dr. Lindsey B. Cortex (not a real doctor, but I trust her LinkedIn), brands activate the same parts of your brain that are responsible for love, identity, and pizza cravings at 2 a.m.
In a 2004 study by actual scientists at Baylor College of Medicine, researchers used fMRI scans to show that people who said they preferred Coca-Cola over Pepsi weren’t reacting to the taste — they were reacting to the brand. When participants didn’t know what they were drinking, Pepsi often won. But once the Coke™ label appeared, their brain lit up like a Christmas tree at a marketing seminar.
Translation: your brain sees the Coca-Cola logo and goes, “Oh, that’s my childhood, summer, happiness, and a vaguely Santa-related emotion all in one!” Meanwhile, your taste buds are like, “Um… it’s fizzy sugar?”
You’re Worshipping Fonts
Let’s break down what a brand really is:
A font someone paid $800 for
A color scheme that makes you feel "seen"
A vague promise that if you buy this thing, you’ll be cooler, healthier, or at least not sad
Take LuLu Lemon (Looloo Lemongrass? Who knows anymore). They sell you yoga pants and emotional validation in the same stretchy package. They’re not just leggings — they’re “a lifestyle,” aka the lifestyle where your credit card cries quietly while you sweat through downward dog.
Or consider Appl, purveyors of sleek rectangles. People line up at 5 a.m. to buy the same phone they already have but now with “Dynamic Island™” — which sounds like a vacation resort for narcissists, not a UI feature.
Experts Agree: Brands Are Made-Up Nonsense
Branding guru Marty Neumeier (a real person!) once said:
“A brand is not what you say it is. It’s what they say it is.”
Which is the academic way of admitting brands are basically gossip. If enough people believe that Frogiato™ sparkling water is what cool people drink, then boom — it’s a brand. Not because it hydrates you better (it doesn’t), but because it has a serif font and a bottle that looks like it listens to indie music.
Imagine Explaining This to Aliens
“So, you exchange paper for a liquid with a little horse on it because the horse makes you feel successful?”
— Some confused alien anthropologist
The Great Misspelling Conspiracy
Even the way brands sound is part of the illusion. Misspelling your name on purpose makes you "edgy" now. That’s why we have:
Lyft (because vowels are for losers)
Froot Loops (who needs real fruit when you’ve got froot?)
Cheez-Itz (there’s not even a "z" in cheese, bro)
Dunkin' (no "Donuts" because carbs are emotionally triggering in 2025)
So What Now?
If brands aren’t real, does that mean your loyalty to Starbeaks is meaningless? Yes. But also… no?
Brands may be imaginary, but they’re shared hallucinations. Like sports fandoms, memes, or the stock market — we all agree to care about them, so they matter. Just don’t let them define your personality.
Because when you strip away the branding, all that’s left is a hoodie, a soda, or a slightly-too-thin phone with no headphone jack.
So go ahead. Wear your Goochi slides with pride. Sip your La Krøix. Type this on your MappleBook Pro. Just remember: you’re not buying a product — you’re buying into an idea.
And the idea is... vibes