Astrology isn’t real.
Astrology Isn’t Real (But It’s Still More Fun Than Taxes)
Let’s get something out of the way: Astrology isn’t real.
There. I said it.
Your personality isn’t determined by the stars. Mercury isn’t in retrograde just because your Wi-Fi dropped. And no, Chad didn’t ghost you because he’s a Sagittarius with a Capricorn moon. He ghosted you because he’s Chad.
But hey — just because astrology isn’t real doesn’t mean it isn’t absolutely hilarious.
The Birth of Astrology: Ancient People Making Stuff Up, Elegantly
Astrology dates back to ancient Babylonians, who looked at the night sky and thought:
“Those dots are probably influencing my marriage.”
From there, the Greeks, Egyptians, and Romans joined the party, and suddenly we had 12 zodiac signsthat somehow still describe 8 billion people.
“We divided humanity into twelve vague categories so everyone could feel special and misunderstood.”
— Claudius Vaguesthorus, Ancient Horoscope Editor for Scroll Weekly
The system is based on the idea that the position of planets at the moment you’re born can affect your entire life. Which is wild considering most of us were born in fluorescent-lit hospitals with screaming involved. You’re telling me Saturn saw that and made me bad at budgeting?
The Signs Are Just Personality Mad Libs
Let’s break it down:
Gemini: You’re two-faced. But fun!
Taurus: You like snacks. Also, naps. Same.
Scorpio: Basically a sexy vampire.
Virgo: Knows where the scissors are at all times.
Pisces: Will cry over a sad dog in a commercial and then astral project.
Here’s the secret: every horoscope is just vague enough that anyone can relate.
“Your week will be full of opportunity and change, unless it isn’t. Avoid conflict and also maybe try yoga.”
— Literally every horoscope ever written
Psychologists call this the Barnum effect — when vague statements feel personal. Astrologers call it “Tuesday.”
Mercury Isn’t in Retrograde, You Just Forgot to Charge Your Laptop
Every few months, astrology blogs scream, “Mercury is in retrograde!” and suddenly people start blaming planetary motion for spilled coffee and career crises.
Let’s clarify: Mercury in retrograde just means it looks like Mercury is moving backward in the sky. It’s not. It’s fine. It’s not drunk. It’s not mad at you.
“Mercury doesn’t care about your group chat drama.”
— Dr. Celeste NoStars, Astrophysicist and Professional Dream Crusher
Your ex didn’t come back because of Mercury. He came back because he ran out of people to text at 2am.
There’s No Science Here, Folks
Astronomy is a science. Astrology is its drunk cousin at a wedding trying to guess your birthday based on your outfit.
Let’s be clear:
No peer-reviewed study has ever shown a connection between birth date and personality.
NASA has said repeatedly that astrology is, quote, “not a thing we do.”
Even the constellations have shifted since astrology was invented, so technically… you might not even be your sign.
“According to modern star positions, most people have been reading the wrong horoscopes their whole lives. Oops.”
— SkyMap McRealScience, Lead Star Guy at NASA Probably
So if you’ve been blaming your indecisiveness on being a Libra — turns out you might just be a human person who doesn’t know what they want for dinner.
But Let’s Be Real… It’s Still Fun
Astrology may not be real, but it’s so much fun to believe in. It’s basically the BuzzFeed quiz of ancient civilizations:
“Which Greek god are you?” → Aries
“What does your moon sign say about your love life?” → You’re doomed, but pretty.
“What crystal should you carry to repel negative vibes and unpaid parking tickets?” → Rose quartz. Always rose quartz.
And hey — it gives us memes, pick-up lines, and a socially acceptable way to judge people without learning anything meaningful about them. That’s efficiency.
“I don’t trust Scorpios.”
— Everyone dating online, everywhere
In Conclusion: Astrology Isn’t Real. But Neither Is Salad at Taco Bell.
Astrology isn’t grounded in science, evidence, or logic. But neither is the fact that a “taco salad” exists. That doesn’t stop people from ordering it and pretending it’s healthy.
Believe in astrology if it brings you joy. Just don’t plan your life around it. Or at least don’t tattoo your crush’s birth chart on your back because “the stars aligned.”
Because when Mercury really goes into retrograde? You’ll want a receipt.